Scenario: The Team Check-In

Let’s say you’re in a hybrid team meeting. You’ve just voiced a concern that some colleagues aren’t pulling their weight on a project. You’re direct, not rude; just honest. Your manager responds:

“I get that you’re upset, but maybe we could use a more constructive tone here?”

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You freeze. You weren’t shouting. You were passionate. Now you’re worried you’ve been labelled as “difficult”.

Step 1: Name What’s Happening – To Yourself First

Before reacting, take a beat. Recognise that what just happened is tone-policing. 

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Organisational research shows that norms around “professionalism” often reflect dominant cultural values, especially those tied to Whiteness and masculinity. According to research by Williams, Li & Korn (2020), when marginalised employees are assertive they’re more likely to be read as hostile, even when what they actually said mirrors what the dominant-group colleagues might typically say without consequence.

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So this isn’t about ignoring tone; it’s about questioning whose tone is policed and why.

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Step 2: Re-Centre the Message

Bring the focus back to what you said, not how it made someone feel.

For example, you could say:

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“I hear that my tone came across strongly, but I want to make sure the actual concern I raised doesn’t get lost.”

Or, “It’s important we talk about this even if it’s uncomfortable; I hope we can keep the focus on the issue I raised.”

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This is not about denying someone’s feelings. It’s about reminding everyone why you spoke up in the first place.

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Step 3: Use Grounded Body Language and Voice

When you're being tone-policed, the natural urge is to shrink. But confidence doesn’t have to mean force. Keep your body relaxed, shoulders back and use a steady pace. A calm, firm tone is often more impactful than going on the defensive. This isn’t about performing professionalism; it’s about staying rooted in your message.

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💡 Tip: Practise neutral, grounded phrasing ahead of high-stakes conversations. It helps you avoid emotional overload without flattening your voice.

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Step 4: Check In Later – If It’s Safe

If the person tone-policing you is a peer or manager you generally trust, follow up.

Try:

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“When I brought up that issue earlier, I noticed the focus shifted to how I said it. I’d like to understand, was it the content or my delivery that was uncomfortable?”

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This creates space for accountability without accusation. And sometimes, people don’t even realise they’ve tone-policed until it’s gently pointed out.

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And If You’re the One Feeling Uncomfortable with Someone Else’s Tone?

Ask yourself: Is it really the tone, or am I reacting to the discomfort of being challenged?

Instead of saying “calm down” or “watch your tone,” try:

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“I can tell this is important to you. Can you help me understand what feels most urgent here?”

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This signals openness, not deflection. And it helps create a psychologically safe workplace! Research highlights that how we respond to emotional intensity can either reinforce trust or trigger withdrawal.

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Why It Matters

Tone-policing isn’t just annoying: It reinforces power imbalances. When marginalised folks are constantly asked to “watch their tone,” it subtly teaches them that their voices are only valid when they’re palatable.

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By challenging tone-policing, we’re not encouraging rudeness. We’re making space for honest, sometimes messy, but deeply necessary conversations. 

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Workplaces that prioritise comfort over courage often miss out on innovation, inclusion and real connection. So, the next time someone tone-polices you, pause, re-centre and respond with clarity.

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Ready to embed cultural diversity and intercultural competence into your organisation’s DNA? Join the waitlist now for GORM’s upcoming Unified Business Programme, a structured journey towards lasting inclusion and stronger teams ✨

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